Sunday, November 05, 2006

Sometimes I Don't

Sometimes I don’t have to come. Mostly I do. But sometimes a good rough & tumble quickie with a hot bloke is enough.

I’ve been lucky recently. I nailed myself a foreigner; Which ain’t that hard to do in a foreign land, if you can get past the language barrier, or understand the accents over the pounding music in the bar you’ve chosen.

I’d had a dry spell since the start of my travels, and this was exactly what I needed. A young man with a certain knowing twinkle, strength, big hands and a teasing promise walked into view and my cunt quivered in response. I was in pursuit.

It can be intimidating to be so much older than one’s quarry, or to know of that age gap even if the evidence on my body is light and the darkness lends itself to a concealing of what little there is. I had seen him around before in a few other bars, and had even danced with him at one point. Explicitly, with intent, danced with him, hard against him, sweating in the night. But at that point I had not settled into the area for long enough to make any moves to consummate, and he was most likely drunk enough to be unable to perform. After a few weeks of greetings, rubbing up against him here & there, whispered promises, I had a place and the time and the need.

I let him know that I’m only in the area for a few months and I’m not looking for anything more than some good fucking here and there, and his inhibitions tumbled. I could see that with the clarification he was less resistant, he was not seeking a relationship. Within 20 minutes he had dragged me into an unoccupied room with a bed in it and we were kissing and fumbling our clothes off. Not many came off, just the essentials, jeans around the ankles, shorts unzipped, shirts lifted to half mast.

Or bodies slammed into each other needfully, and his cock entering my cunt was satisfying beyond words. I had been wet for weeks thinking of this man, since our first dance, masturbating when I found the privacy, groaning when I came, imagining him inside me. I recalled his broad hands kneading my ass as we danced, large enough to grab one ass cheek in one hand and squeeze tight, holding me against his crotch as I straddled his leg, my thigh length skirt hitched up barely covering me. I thought of his strong hand encircling my breasts until they almost popped out of the Victoria’s Secret bra that held them in my dress clearly on display, squeezing and holding, grabbing what he wanted. It was clear he wanted me, but his kisses, though promising at the time, were sloppy with his drunkenness, and I didn’t want him that bad.

But he’d showed promise. So I lurked in the bars where I figured he’d be until he came back, looking around for other opportunities too. We crossed paths again. He remembered me and apologized for his behaviour the last time. His friends had indicated to him that he may have been offensively aggressive. Maybe to a woman in her twenties with less experience, but to my 41 year old eyes, that kind of confidence and youth was very very sexy. I was not looking for the elaborate mating dance, I was looking for some sexual company while I was in the area before hitting the road again.

So, third time lucky. I knew he’d be at this particular bar, and I went explicitly looking for sex with him. Though, if other men hove into sight and proved more amenable, I’d switch tactics. Indeed, when I walked in, he was there, talking to a petite black-haired bespectacled girl in her twenties. She yearned, they flirted. I did not greet, but my hopes were dashed for any luck that night. So I moved on, had some great conversations, allowed men to buy me water and ginger ale because they had the great need to do so. I danced with a few other men, rubbed against one or two, implied hot promises in the ears of others. Until my quarry was alone again. Immediately I slid away from the man with whom I was talking and moved up on his back, saying hello, touching him in a way that either meant we’d already been intimate, or were headed in that direction imminently.

Blatantly I told him what I wanted. He gazed hard at me in some silence, deciding, then the twinkle and the promise fell on me like his hands on my ass down inside my jeans. He said if I wanted him that badly he should tease me, make me wait for it. I told him I wouldn’t, I’d be on the road soon. He teased me some more, testing me for how dirty I was, how kinky I may be, what kind of games could we play, and where were the limits. We talked, and touched in the corner of that bar, his friends well aware and standing away but watching, almost cheering him on with the intensity of their gazes. They were hungry for his success. I was hungry for mine.

When he finally got me in private our kisses were ferocious and bruising, teeth bared, biting teasing tongues, hands roaming each others bodies. Fingernails dragged across asses and backs. My jeans were soaked with my need long before he found my belt buckle and undid it, unzipping me as I tried to unzip him. He stopped me, taking control. My jeans around my knees, panties still on, he pulled them aside and fingered my wet cunt, stroking me hard, testing the waters before leaning me over and lifting me onto the bed.

There is something immensely sexy about being with a strong man who can without seeming effort manipulate my body into the positions he wants, lifting me, moving me around, controlling the angles and the access. I am lucky many of my partners are strong that way, and I pursue it. There is less need for negotiation of limbs and communication of moves, they just happen.

So he had me on my back and ankles still tied by my jeans, panties still on he bent my legs up and pulled himself through my legs, I was forced to hold him tight in that position as he fingered me, teasing. I tried again to reach for his cock when he unzipped, kneeling there above me, between my legs, but he took both my slim wrists and placed them over my head against the bed, holding them there with one hand. He said I couldn’t have it yet, I didn’t want it enough.

Oh but I did. I called him bad names and told him just how much I wanted it. But first he’d have to have a condom. He reached for one, tore open the packet with his teeth, and placed it on his cock. I saw it for the first time, it was promisingly big, and uncircumcised the way I prefer. He pulled my panties to one side and entered me swiftly with one thrust and I moaned out loud with the sudden pressure inside me. He started to fuck me hard and my hands were scrambling for a handhold on the bed as he thrust deeply inside me, hard, rocking against my cunt, jackhammering hard and large inside me. I had so needed this cock inside me, I was exploding with wetness. We shifted positions effortlessly to the side, where I kicked off my sneakers and jeans, then I was astride him and fucking him hard, whispering dirty thoughts of my past weeks in his ear. He responded in kind and we wound each other up with talk of hot tight cunts and strong hard cocks, and needs unmet. I gloried in this hard fast sex and he met me in kind, marveling at my dirtyness, loving how aggressively I met him and reveled in the fuck. He came.

We sat there, him still hard inside me, me astride him squeezing him with my cunt until he complimented me on my fine PC control. Talking vaguely about things sexual and situational. No long post-coital bonding this, but a satisfied post-collision of bodies comfort.

Then we needed to get dressed and go. I had a last bus to catch and he his friends to face. We strode back into the bar with mention of another encounter, or two or three before I left. My jeans wet, smelling of sex, looking hard-kissed, well-fucked and satisfied I dashed for the last bus to town, joined by the last stragglers from the party.

I didn’t need to come. I will next time.

I had needed a good hard fuck for way too long, and being on the road does not always lend itself to promise, so much as to danger. But it also lends itself to a certain anonymity and freedom from the mores of the local community, even in a small town which whispers.

And I don’t care what they think of me. This was for me.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Hiatus

Gone backpackin'.

Pity my new Passion Glass toy weighs too much for my backpack. Gotta travel light: Smallest possible vibrator, blindfold, nipple clamps, lube and condoms. Anything else I'll have to make up out of pervertibles.

Long time gone. On the road again...

Friday, September 15, 2006

Soliloquus Interruptus

Y'ever have one of those conversations with a bloke where it's all about him? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. You start the chat with a cheery "How ARE You?!" and you proceed to hear exactly how he is: His business, his band, his love life, his family, politics, the weather, etc. I'll remember these details of your life and ask you about them even if it's been years since we spoke. I'll create that comfort zone, that continuity, I'll draw your ass out even if you are mostly inarticulate and unexpressive.

Sometimes I just sit there listening to these sorts of men (in between stifling yawns and the occasional murmured uh-huh) and I wonder what would happen if I didn't respond to his commentary, his monologue of mememememe. Then I try it. Nothing happens. He'll run out of the topic in question and a silence, that I feel is very incomfortable, will hang between us, stretching thinner & thinner until I break and ask another question.

Is that female socialization? To constantly lob that conversational ball back to his side of the court where he will then ball hog it? The times I let the silence hang fire, and don't say anything, the guy simply doesn't feel the same discomfort. I'm sure he's thinking it's a companionable silence. But that silence can go on & on & on & on, and the guy? Would he ever think of maybe extending me the courtesy of asking me how I am? Just punt that fucker in my direction: I'll tell you about my life. I won't dump on you, I don't need your support, but jeezus man, ask me a fucking question!

Just last night I spent several hours with an old friend after not having seen him for a year. Now in the last year, I've had some adventures, he knows about them. I'm not saying "adventures", I'm saying ADVENTURES of the non-sexual sort. I've got some interesting shit to say, I've got some stories, I've had fun and weird stuff happen.

But I don't even get a How are you? from him. Nope. That chasm stretches between his last MEMEME pronouncement and the next, because I refuse to fill it.

Having sex with him years ago was much like that. Whips out his big (holeeee sheee-it! BIG! we're talkin' porn star material here) cock after several minutes of hot & heavy foreplay, and he wants it in me anyway he can get it there. He's a head pusher and a hand grabber place on cock guy. And there it was, The Cock, and I was expected to fill in the silence followed by its introduction with mouth, hand & cunt contact with it.

Yeah, I did. hated it. I was stretched so tight I just barely got my mouth around the head of it. I'm pretty game, I'm a trooper. Then when he got it into my cunt I couldn't even find my damn clit when I reached down to touch myself. Nope, not there. Hmmm, could it have folded inside me with the pressure of getting him in me? Nope, labia all accounted for if quite rubber banded around his cock. Where the fuck is my clit? It should be in under there, that little fleshy bit. Nope, couldn't feel a fucking thing. He came. He was done. That was supposed to be enough for me.

I swore never to fuck him again. And I haven't. But one day several years back he called me late at night and asked me to help with an emergency. I did. I stayed up all night with him. I even called out from work the next day. And now, he's my friend for life. Useful guy if I need to be moved, or to store my shit somewhere when I take off traveling for months on end.

But lordy, he's boring. It's always all about him.

But he is by no means unique in that respect. I've done a lot of internet dating, socialized with a lot of men of many different classes & generations & nationalities, and the vast majority of men simply never ask questions.

The few who do? They ask a question then interrupt me so they can tell me something more about themselves. That can be even more annoying, insulting even. Because when a guy asks a question about how Famous Senator pinched my ass in Washington, or how that month long hike through Patagonia went, and then changes the subject less than a few lines into my story, it sorta feels like I must be boring him terribly. All the conversationus interruptus is very frustrating.

I've had a lot of these kinds of conversations lately.

And y'know what I get from these guys?

"You are so easy to talk to."

Yeah? No fucking wonder! I put all the fucking work into the coversation to make it flow, I ask you questions, I respond to your ideas, I praise your decisions, I am interested in what you have to say, and I express that fucking interest. Is it too much to ask that I get just a teeny bit of that in return? Is it too harsh of me to expect to be part of a two-way conversation and not just an appreciative audience, or better yet your fucking speech prompter clueing you in to the rest of your soliloquy? Can I even get a "What about you?" and then maybe time enough to answer your question before you go barging in over top of me bringing it all back to you? Do you really ask me questions just so you can tell me the answer?

Because, y'know? I know what you are like in bed when you do that. It'll be all about you and your cock and your pleasure. Your mouth won't go anywhere near my clit and I'll be lucky if you even ask me if I came.

I'm tired of it. Sick and fucking tired of not getting my share of the conversational pie. Learn to listen, learn to ask questions and then listen to the answer. You may actually hear funny stories or interesting stuff from me. I can hold your attention if you bothered to tune in.

I am tired of being the emotional groomer, the conversational handmaiden, the responsive audience, the fucking social grease that makes your life easier for my being in it. I'm exhausted by it. I don't want your phone call that starts with a "Hi, this is Roy." and you have nothing to ask me. I don't want to interview you anymore. I don't want to draw you out. I'm pooped, I can't make you comfortable anymore.

I'm gonna get over my discomfort and just let that silence hang. I don't care if you called me from Puntas Arenas, if you aren't interested in me than I'm not gonna be interested in you. I'm not doing all the work anymore.

And I sure as shit won't fuck you.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Shall We Dance?

He wore a pair of sleek pants, thin as silk, his chest bare but for a loose black vest making him only slightly less startling to behold. For he was, startling, built like a marble courthouse, tall, god-like, Adonis with a promising look in his eyes when I walked in.

I wore black; a tightly strung corset that stopped under my breasts, a pair of long tight black dance pants and three inch fuck me heels. My breasts were bare to my shoulders, covering my nipples for legality's sake, was a small square of black electrical tape on each. In the black light my pale skin glowed and the crowd turned, drawn to the sway of my breasts as I entered. I wore a wig, long and blue, straight and covering my eyes to mid nose. I was anonymous behind it, unrecognizable to those who knew me.

I am built slim and the corset cinched my waist in even smaller, with my rib cage disappearing under the flashing white expanse of my large breasts, ass erupting out the back rounded and emphasized by the forward tilt of the heels. The light focussed all eyes on what I had to offer, in a room full of men long denied female company, who knew me, maybe, across campus, in loose t-shirts & jeans.

He turned as I walked into the circle of men half-dressed, shirtless, the occasional costuming inventive and challenging. His eyes locked on me. Mine locked on the broad expanse of his chiseled chest, the breadth of his exceptionally sinewed shoulders. I knew him from before, clothed, as a tall quiet man with a sweet shy smile, a smile that reached his eyes. He was the only man to approach me, the others were intimidated by just how much flesh I displayed. My naked flesh was not an invitation to touch, and they understood that. But I sensed the heat, the need, the inability to tear their eyes away from my breasts. Except for him. He drew near me as if I were magnetized and he iron filings pulled into my radiance, his arm reached over my shoulder and he turned me onto the dance floor, whispering through the loud dance music, "Dance with me."

I can dance. I love to dance. I love partner dancing. This was beyond that. This was seduction, intimacy, exposure, security and bodies sweating and meeting full frontal from knees to chest. One long strong arm around me, muscled and safe, he pulled me in, forcing me to straddle his firm thigh. He bent his knees and his crotch slid into mine until we were swaying together, hips in time with each other, steps tiny and slow despite the tempo. The beat was all in where we touched, where I ground upon his thigh, how our hips followed and led.

With his free arm he stroked my body, carefully avoiding my exposed breasts, up my arms, around my waist, over my buttocks, feeling out the textures and curves of my costume and my body and where the twain parted. The strong arm secure around my waist held me tight into his body, but left me the space to sway my torso back as if being dipped for an old-fashioned kiss as he leaned over me. We worked with this move, the space between my breasts and his bare chest getting larger and larger as I learned the trust of his strength and he dipped me deeper and deeper.

I rode his leg hard, the sweat of his thigh mixing with the moisture of my wet cunt. We slipped together, we melted into each other, my hands wandering free as he held me, touching his shoulders. Gawd, those shoulders, broad and muscled straight out of a Men's Health magazine cover. My fingers travelled the hard front of him from shoulders to stomach, trying to count each muscle, stroking each one as it veed into the hollow before the next one rose solidly to meet my hand flattened on his chest. I'd heard of six-pack abs, but this was losing count long after 6 went by. I lost count many many times on my trips down his completely smooth (I suspect shaved) chest.

He dipped me deeper, swinging my torso away from him, whispering, "I've got you. It's all good. You're safe." in my ears as we swayed deeper and deeper with him bent over me. I rested secure in his one arm and he flexed my back backwards into a reverse curve and down we went, my hair dragging on the floor as he swung me around, bent in half backwards, breasts exposed and upside down to the audience of fascinated men watching us from a safe distance. This was not an invitation to anything but envy as he revealed me to them under the lights flashing acrosst my ghostly platinum bare skin. They stood in a half circle holding drinks and needing.

Occasionally a man would approach, and my partner would reach out to him and draw him in with his other hand until we were sandwiched, their bare chest to my bare back to breasts to bare chest, a sandwich of flesh, with me the soft filling bwtween the muscles. We'd sway that way until the other man fell out of our rthymic stroke or drew away from a man's hand on his ass holding him in tight to my ass. When we synchronized with one shirtless man with a chest to challenge my partner's, the sway, the bump, the grind was divine to me esconced safely in the clench of these two men embracing, I was bereft when he drew away. My mind had traveled past the bodies and into my fantasy world in which two men holding me kiss each other, and touch each other with a need my presence makes permissible.

I was limp with need, and the muscles of my thighs rang and vibrated with the effort of keeping up with his dancing, even though all the effort was his, the balance, the strength. This was dirty dancing beyond the bump and grind, the hips bouncing against hips, this was vertical sex, barely disguised frottage. I was limp and completely undone, yearning for this never to end, the black light, the music, the beat, the feel of his body, the complete safety I felt in his arms, half-naked in public surrounded by men.

We were perfectly matched: I was exaggerated femininity displayed so temptingly, smooth and pale, breasts round and large, waist wasp-shaped and tiny; He was perfectly muscled, tall, beautiful, broad-shouldered and in complete control of the dance and our moves together, ineffably masculine. I was enthralled, entranced, drugged by the nearness of him and the perfect situation: A tall man telling me I was safe with him, taking over the motion of my body and holding me tight and safe in the circle of his arm, yet allowing me the space to lean away from him.

It was sailing in a high wind in a small boat, dashing along over water, leaning out over the side to balance the sail pitched sharp across from you, face splashed by droplets of salty tangy wet. It was the perfect union when sex passes beyond the body and into the mind zinging wildly between sensations unable to keep up when the orgasm takes over your body, leaving you twitching and gasping in the aftermath. It was endlessly effortless and exhausting, exhilarating and it fed a hunger in me I have yet to have satisfied, years later.

We had performed half naked and beautiful together, exquisitely balanced, intimate, sexy, ying and yang swaying and arcing against each other's bodies. Explicitly sexual. Eventually we peeled ourselves away from each other and engaged with other partners, all disappointingly lacking in rhythm and strength, childlike in their efforts to mesh with my hungry hips. I was surrounded by awed and shocked semi-naked male bodies who disappointed me, who did not meet my ferociously hungry femininity with confidence and cool. I could feel their fear as I moved around the floor, the bravest partners were female snuggling up behind me to warm my back from thigh to arms and all the torso in between, moving in tight to me and following my body's pulse, their breasts round and hard against my back as they surrounded me.

As the night slowed and the crowd thinned I ducked out. But not without the amplified feeling of just having had the most perfect dance partner in my entire life. I vibrated for weeks afterwards with frustrated need. I needed to have hard fought wicked blindfolded sex, nails extended, teeth bared, grunting and panting our ways to climax, slamming against each other like steam hammers. I needed to be stroked lushly and with endless time and patience, firm broad hands molding my pale flesh into handfuls of need until I begged to be upended over a couch. I needed skin on my skin, sweaty and raw, hard on soft, brown on white, swaying over my prone form, hands tied over my head. Eyes shuttered I slid through the weeks after that dance, my breath sucked in between my teeth at every visceral punch of a memory or image that passed across my mind.

Sitting at my desk later that week, dressed for work, a memory would flash through me and my clit would jump, I would feel a sudden swoosh of moisture in my cunt and my nipples would jump erect from my breasts against the pedestrian cotton of my sweatshirt, sensitive and burning to be nibbled and bitten by a warm mouth tracking itself wetly down my front to lap at my cunt.

I never saw that man again. I've never danced like that since, but I will bend my body willow-like and follow any one who can so effortlessly control me and keep me safe that same way.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

The Best Things In Life Are Free

I have fallen in love.

Or maybe lust.

Either way, I yearn, I burn for the simplest of things: Holiday Inn's signature SimplySmart Moisturizer. You know, the stuff they give away for free in their rooms?

The bad sex was all worth it to have discovered this wonderful product. But it may be the start of a very bad habit: theft. Or sneakiness. It isn't available anywhere but there in any size other than the tiny upright clear plastic bottle. Sure I could buy it online but at $20 for a set of the tiny bottles including all their products, it's not worth it. I don't want all the similarly scented side-products. I want the moisturizer, and will settle for the soap.

Normally any kind of hotel product you pick up in those adorably tiny bottles that just scream Take Me to my simple brain has the most pedestrian of scents, if not a horrid flowery funk that sticks on you and your clothes and your car in an unpleasant cheaply perfumed way. It makes me sneeze, I only like it for the bottle. Because they are so wee and cute and organized looking.

But for this divinely scented stuff, my bad sex date should have just left me there in the room with this tiny bottle of lotion. I would have been happier. The sex would probably have been better too. Not to impugn his cock size that much, but the sensory stimuli would have been ratcheted up a notch by the scent alone.

What does it smell like?

When you pop the little plastic top on the clear tube at first your mind is confused by the familiarity of the smell contained therein. It is a comforting delicate smell that makes you want to dive right into it and snuggle up. It smells like home and apple pie and all things warm and appealing, innocent even. You stand there frowning lightly at the memories it invokes, the reactions you are having, the appeal this lotion has to your senses. Tipping the bottle over and squeezing gently with your right hand you release a tiny drop of the pale pale orangey cream liquid onto the back of your left hand. It does not look so prepossessing a moisturizer, will it do the job of bringing spring back to skin dried by the shower and the air conditioning in the room? You gently rub the lotion over the back of your hand, finding that despite its lightness it spreads well and covers both hands and wrists thoroughly. As you spread it, it releases a scent in notes of mango or other quiet fruit accents, but not quite. A subtle frown forms between your eyebrows, then your eyes open wider and a smile forms around your mouth. You breath in deeply and think perhaps the smell is some heavenly exotic fruit, but not, it is more intimately familiar than that.

Rubbing the lotion into your hands, rolling it around from palm to back to the tips of your fingers suddenly you realize the aroma is warming up against the heat of your skin and releasing the recognizably definitive scent of this lotion: cinnamon. Yes, this is a calm cinnamon tang breathing up from your body heat, warming the air around you until you are relaxed and happy.

I smell like cinnamon, lightly, exotically, delicately like cinnamon. I smell like chai tea boiling in the pot with all the attendent fragrances. I can smell the other notes that so often accompany cinnamon, the nutmeg, the cardamom, the sugar, the black pepper. But I do not smell like a dessert. I think it is my brain so strongly associating cinnamon with these other Indian spices, that it compensates with scent echoes. It retains a subtlety that startles, but it doesn't awe or smack you about upon first sensing it. It simply floats comfortingly around you in a faint halo of friendliness.

It makes me smile. Broadly.

In my new career, one that will involve travelling and brand loyalty, I will wander the highways and biways, and airports and off ramps of America in my quest for the Holiday Inn Express. Just to stay for one night here and there, following the housekeeper's cart down hallways and dodging around corners. I am the Cinnamon Lotion Burgler. I lounge gently scented in my room the next morning in the glow of my shower, skin moist and supple until I hear the telltale noises of the cart and the knock next door. I leap up as the door opens and peer out into the hall at the abandoned cart. I scan the cart quickly, locating the precious cargo, ears straining for the sounds of the housekeeper's return. But no, she is busy with the bedding the neighbour has strewn across the room. I slide along the wall, casually, but sneakily, until I am within reach. I have a story prepared in my head should I get caught, a sheepish smile at the ready, a confession.

The housekeeper emerges to find me there. I am trapped. I smile nervously at her, and say "There you are! I was hoping to get a few extra bottles of that divine moisturizer. Is that possible?" She will smile and say, "Of course, here, have two." It's not her hotel and they don't track the exquisite stuff. They don't pay her well enough. She would give away the lot if I asked. I can see it on her face.

I don't ask. She is lucky. She will not be the latest in my long line of victims across Holiday Inns nationwide: uniformed housekeepers sprawled across the white white towels and bedding of their carts, tiny bottles of mouthwash and shampoo scattered in a wide arc around them, not a lotion to be found. The Cinnamon Lotion Burglar has struck again.

I dare you to stop me.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

When Bad Sex Happens To Good People

I think I was desperate.

Well, it wasn't all that bad, but I was disappointed.

No regrets.

We'd been emailing for a month or so. He was funny, we had some kinks in common, and he had his own special kinks. He was local to me so it was easy to meet for coffee at a local coffee shop. We hit it off immediately and chatted enthusiastically for several hours while walking around town.

By the end of the afternoon we'd been touching each other gently while talking, had covered a lot of conversational bases, and it was more in common than sex.

I was thrilled, it seemed we both sought a similar kind of fuck buddy friendship/relationship.
I had my hopes up.

Then our schedules got in the way. We still managed to squeak in a first "date" at the local ice cream stand at the end of our work days. We met and drove off to find a quiet place where we could fuck. As luck would have it there was an abandoned farm nearby. I had arrived wearing a simple summer shift, completely commando. I knew we didn't have much time, I was already wet.

As soon as we were out of sight among the buildings in the overgrown grass he was bending me over a old wooden sawhorse and lifting my dress up. He slapped my ass a few times, kissed me, grabbed my breasts, put a condom on and penetrated me as I bent over.

I could barely feel him inside me. But really, what's a girl to do? Do you say "Stop! I'm sorry, this isn't working for me, your cock is just too small"? Stand up, pull my dress down and then walk away? No, I couldn't do that to a man's face directly without just cause. So I made the appropriate noises of appreciation as he thrust inside me silently.

Neither of us came, our ice cream was melting and there was a chance we'd get caught even back there. He slowed down, I stood up, he tossed the condom into the grass. I disapproved out loud. He walked me back to the car, we split with promises of meeting again as soon as our schedules meshed.

Well, they meshed again this Saturday.

A hotel room was rented, I got a call an hour before saying to meet him there.

*shrug* C'mon, the guy's got hands, eh? And many many toys in his repertoire that I had heard about. I was perfectly happy to meet up with him despite his "shortcomings". It's not always all about the cock, even when it is disappointingly small.

I quickly grabbed my toy bag, dressed in a black lace corset, a long black skirt, no panties and a see through black sheer shirt and zipped over to the hotel.

He met me at the door, pulled me in, placed a blindfold on my head and started kissing me.

His mouth opened wide and descended upon mine, teeth practically bared as he enveloped my face from chin to just under my nose and his tongue dove down my throat. I fenced it off with my tongue for a bit, startled and dismayed, mouth open wide too, so it felt a bit less like I was the cave to his spelunking. His teeth hit my lips, my teeth, his tongue thrust into my gaping mouth. There was no finesse, no passion, just all out sucking face in the most literal awful sense of the words.

Eeuw.

I hate kissing where I have to reapply lip balm immediately after disengaging because it has all disappeared and I'm in serious danger of having chapped lips, and even a chapped chin. I hate kissing that is wet and sloppy with teeth knocking, and slobber all over my chin and lips and cheeks. I hate kissing where there is no subtlety. I don't like having my tongue knocked back down my throat by an aggressive attack. I want to be kissed appreciatively, beginning with tiny nibbles and licks and breaths commingling, then tongues darting out for a taste, perhaps to be caught between my partner's teeth gently. When passion rises then mashing lips together and tongues furiously engaging and dodging in and out. There are so many ways to kiss, so many ways to taste and dance together with lips and tongues and mouths on each other.

So, I can get over the small cock, there are ways of compensating for that. But add to it the bad kissing and I was floored, and incredibly disappointed. Stunned and disengaged. I tried changing the kissing style on him but to no avail, and spent the rest of the night avoiding his kisses as much as possible.

But at what point and how does one remove oneself from a situation like that? I know I have the right to say no at any point in any sexual encounter, but it was NOT like I didn't want to have sex. I just didn't think it'd be any good. The lies and stories I could tell flew through my head as he undressed me, buckled me into rubber wrist and ankle restraints, asked me to put on a red latex thong and lay me on the bed spread-eagled in my corset. But I kept my mouth shut. I didn't bow out. I gamely soldiered on to the next morning and it did not get much better.

OK, we have his kinks covered: bondage and latex. There was a bit of teasing of my prone body with a few implements, none of which he stuck with for long. He was a bit like a kid with a new toy, and I was the toy. It had very little to do with ME and my response, so much as how it all looked, and he jumped quickly from toy to toy (latex flogger, wartenberg wheel, vibrator, etc). My pleasure was almost incidental to his efforts.

Eventually he mounted me and humped his way to orgasm on my restrained body. Surprisingly, in this position, I could actually feel his cock inside me, though only just. He came silently, but not quickly enough for me, hopped off to dispose of the condom and clean himself up. He returned from the toilet, popped a small silicon dildo inside me, attached a vibrator to it that reached my clit, pulled the latex panties over it all and left me to my orgasm. No, I mean, really, he left the room again.

It came quickly and easily. And then another, while he was still out of the room, came along and I knew I was in danger of ejaculating all over the hotel bed. I called out to him and he came back with a towel, turned me off and placed it under my ass. But the momentum was lost, I couldn't come again.

He unbuckled me, we cleaned up, got dressed and went out to dinner. Bad Chinese. He thought it was delicious, some of the best Chinese he'd ever had.

After dinner we were back and this time I mounted him at my own speed. He was hard, we got a condom on him, I slid on board and grabbed my vibrator, because he still didn't seem interested in touching me down there. Usually i like this position because of the pressure of the cock in my cunt, and the angle of the cock can his my g-spot. But I had neither, so it was somewhat like maturbating while kneeling with my vibrator. I squeezed my kegels for all they were worth to try and get a grip on him, but all that succeeded in doing was squeezing his cock OUT OF MY CUNT. I've never done that before. How could I have done that when I could barely sense him inside me? *sigh*

The it was his turn again and I was dressed in a black latex dress from his collection, oiled up shiny & black, then trussed up in white rope like a pig for market. Flung once more on the bed and fucked in my relative immobility. He came, handed me the vibrator and left to clean himself up again. At least this time we came back to hold me before I came. But I did hear some snide remarks the next morning after he masturbated himself to orgasm in about 2 minutes about how long it took me to come.

By this time I was under the distinct impression he didn't actually care for an interactive partner, let alone one for whom he may bear some responsibility for pleasuring. When I requested lube at one point before straddling him, he was confused at to why. He seemed to think I should be wet enough. He never once that night applied lube to me. Every time he fucked me it was with no lube, and even though he is small, and I was fairly wet, and the condoms were lubed, I would have liked to have some lube applied, because a girl just dries up after that much intercourse.

In fact there was no real cunt contact, as if he were afraid of it, no fingers inside me, no nothing. Aside from a few nibbles through the latex panties (which I barely felt), and the toys, I don't think his skin actually touched my cunt at any time except incidentally. I knew his fear of disease, he does have a primary partner, I could understand that. But does it have to extend to not even touching me with his fingers? What kind of disease could he pick up on his hands from my cunt? We even had latex gloves and still, no going there. I don't like being made to feel like my cunt is dirty, unclean, or otherwise unappealing.

And he has the nerve to request that I be clean shaven becasue he prefers it that way.

Meanwhile he was full untrimmed bush.

No, he did not get a blow job.

Oh, and the humming? You know that falling tone HMMmmm sound people can make when they are thinking? That was the soundtrack to my night. Constant. Sort of amusing, but perhaps next time I should have earplugs so it won't distract me from the VH1 Whitesnake special on TV in the background.

I dunno, but I ended up feeling under appreciated, and like I'd just been fucked by an engineer with OCD and Asperger's Syndrome. It just wasn't sexy, even though we had sex 4-5 times. I guess I'm an optimist. But I don't think I can get over the kissing and the small cock and the disinterest in my cunt, the lack of lube and the almost palpable sense of his being bored with me when I wasn't tied up.

I can't just put it down to a lack of communication, I was certainly willing and able to let him know what I liked and how I liked it. But he seemed to only want to fuck me when I was bound and unable to interact. He'd have gagged me if I'd allowed it, as it was he placed his hand over my mouth to shut me up while he was fucking me.

I'm not sure if it's just a confluence of things, like our kinks not quite matching, there being no sexual spark, my being premenstrual, his being short-slept the night before, but it just didn't work for me. I am not sitting here a day later looking fondly at the bruises on my ass and bite marks on my thighs, feeling smugly satisfied and well-fucked as I should be after a full night in a hotel with a man and a lot of toys. Neither am I resentful. Well, maybe a bit. No, quite a bit more than that. Yeah, fucking hell I resent the fact I was bored and my time was wasted.

Could it improve with communication? With practice? I don't think at this point I'm interested enough to try again, either to communicate all my disappointments or to practice enough to improve things. I wouldn't know where to start.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Sex Talk

I love to talk about sex. Feminist, detailed, taboo-busting, myth-stomping, revelatory conversation about sex. How rare it is to be able to have that conversation, no holds barred, with another human, face-to-face. It was delicious, gourmet, intimate, spicy chat with a complete stranger.

When do I ever get this kind of conversation where it is not foreplay and heavily double entendre'd and a reason to bed your conversational partner? Oh, never. This was talking with another sex blogger, who had read my blog, who had so many of my secrets but not my name, whose secrets I have read. What a clean way of communicating with another human about one of my favorite topics: sex and sexuality.

I have had many conversations about sex in my years of online dating, conversations that start with the premise that we are both sexual beings looking for sex with another person, and often with detailed information about sexual interests, fantasies, and kinks. The entire purpose of the emails that ensue, and the phone calls and the arrangements to meet and see if that "spark" is there, is to satisfy that itch, that need, that yearning for skintimacy on whatever level. The goal is sex, not conversation.

It starts with the fellow contacting me, while I sit there "passively" and freely, via my profile. In my profile I detail fantasies and thoughts, curiosities and interests, describe myself physically and what I expect or hope to happen. Men write to me, depositing money into the online service's pot for the privilege. I get that it's not fair, but when women on the sex sites show up, we are in such a minority, often fewer than 1 in 10 to the men, that we get multiple enthusiastic responses simply by virtue of being tit & cunt bearers. I still live in a world where women get paid $0.74 to the dollar for the same work that men do. So, suck it up guys.

My profile, being more explicit and intelligent than most, not to mention well-written, gets a lot of attention. Of the men who optimistically contact me, about 1 in 20 gets to the next step, a response other than "Sorry, not interested." Why so many rejections? Well, if you received an email saying "You sound perfect, check out my profile" and the profile said very little more than "horny guy looking for freaky chick for sexy fun", how would you respond? OK, don't tell me.

Those few who communicate well and with humour in their profiles, and have interests that coincide with mine get to the next step. Thus starts the email dance, the intimate and revealing conversation of the curious and underfucked, the possibilities nailed down into compatibilities. Photographs are exchanged, both parties approve of the other. Often these conversations are more intimate and revealing than any I've been able to have in real life, and with the emails flying back and forth grows eagerness to meet. We move to phone calls, things continue promising, then we arrange to meet.

We meet. Very rarely does the conversation remain in person as intimate as it was in email. Sometimes it is immediately apparent to me that I simply am not attracted to the guy. It is rarely something as definite as weight, height, or the amount of hair on his head. It is most often as subtle as the way he stands, something about how he smells, the look in his eyes, the way he talks with his hands, the smile around his eyes.

Sometimes I am immediately sure I will sleep with this man. The conversation is foreplay, continuing the seduction in words begun online. The conversation has a purpose, an end, a goal. The reason the conversation is about sex is because that's why we are both there. Often I make this clear by the end of the meeting. We promise to meet again, with the intention of nakedness and fucking.

It doesn't always happen. Some men, though they indicate in person they are attracted to me, and would like to meet again, fall off the radar screen. It's a typical male response to say yes to a woman who wants sex, and then disappear. I think men are ashamed to think they may not want sex, and many are certainly not brave enough to even say "No thank you. I'm just not into you that much." Hell knows I'd prefer that, but I'm getting used to it.

Honest to goodness, I don't mind rejection. Just as there are certain ineffable things that turn me off to a guy, there are some people to whom I find myself instantly attracted. Just because I'm female does not mean I'm ipso facto fuckable to every guy I meet. If I am willing to put myself out there, I am willing to face rejection.

But the conversation I have with these men, leading up to the acceptance or rejection--the revealing of myself, the topics I cannot speak of with anyone else without stepping outside society even further--that part is lovely, and I would continue to have it even if we are not sparking together. But it is not to be. But the conversation only relates to the possibility of fucking between us.

If I have this conversation in person with people I do NOT meet online, whether male or female, my openness and honesty about everything is seen as seductive and intentional, that my goal for speaking of such things is to get laid. I've got quite the reputation among my friends, who believe me to be much more highly sexed than I actually am.

I'm not out to seduce. I just love to talk about sex. I love to find out what people do, how they make decisions, how they choose, what they are turned on by. Why so interested? It is a combination of being a salacious, curious person, and my hope to find out what makes me tick and why I tick differently, or how we tick in synchronicity sometimes. It's a learning process. I love to break down taboos, break open secrets, expose intimate peccadilloes.

I hate silence, and the silence around sexuality can only be damaging. It is perhaps a feminist concept, that of the original Consciousness Raising circles women gathered in to share in the 70s. Women spoke things that had never seen the light of day, and we recognized in the sharing the prevalence and commonality of so many things. We understood that we were not experiencing so much: incest, marital rape, dissatisfaction with motherhood and wifehood, lust for women, rape fantasies, boredom during sexual intercourse, the inability to orgasm--alone and in isolation. It wasn't JUST ME. We learned so much about ourselves by finding out about others.

That echo back from other women about the realities of our lives was essential and freeing to our whole generation. That was when we broke the silence. Silence, taboo, myths, training, socialization, all was rendered less potent by our speaking up. I have stood with that original belief, that despite the discomfort of others, breaking the silence can only save lives, make for healthier people.

There is a whole generation of women (and now men), the queer generation of the 80s (with AIDS' Silence = Death slogan), and the Third Wave of queer feminists (sex-positive) of the 90s, for whom the information my generation struggled to reveal, is de rigeur.

But still, the rest of the world remains silent and secretive and often ashamed about their sexual activities.

So, titillation aside, I love to talk about sex. It turns me on. It teaches me. I teach others. Simply by sharing what is not normally shared. Thus my blog, on so many levels.

And today, I had two and a half delicious hours of conversation with another sex blogger. All the conversation was for conversation's sake, not as foreplay, not as purposeful as these conversations usually are. It was good talk. Sex talk.

I need to meet me some more sex bloggers, if this is what it's like.